there's a wide look from them, they make their way closer to them as soon as he tries to beat the barrier. there's immediate worry-- ]
Jonas, don't-- you'll hurt yourself!
[ they don't know how to answer that. another voice comes to mind, "I hate it. I hope—I hope that you know that." there's a brief pause, stopping themselves from reaching out. they know, they know-- after everything they've gone through, and after coming here, they wish... ]
[ ah. well. that might answer some of the frustration there, actually, because he's so, so fucking sick of hearing that people he cares about are stuck in endless cycles that he can't do anything to break them out of.
so the barrier gets one more good punch, but he does at least stop even if he's very much vibrating with anger for a bit. it's not at setsu. it could never really be at setsu? but it's also kind of at the choice that put them in that situation.
[ well. that does explain some things when he says that, actually. they go quiet, staring at him, a flicker of understanding. ...right, because, they're not the only ones in a similar position. no, there's someone else. someone they both know. (alex voice: why are we the same person)
quietly, they step closer until they're by his side, holding a hand out. they don't touch him, not yet, just showing before they lightly touch his arm and look at his hand. he likely didn't hit it too much, but they're making sure he didn't bruise himself or anything. ]
...I know. I'm sorry, Jonas. [ and they mean that. because ] I do wish it could be different. [ it's a quiet admittance. ]
[ they sure are not the only person in a similar position, and jonas is now affected deeply by both of these people and it sucks, actually!
he doesn't exactly offer his hand like he normally would, but he doesn't reject the touch either. he didn't really hit the barrier too hard given it's a pig barrier, so maybe the hand is a little red but it'll go back to normal soon enough.
instead, he's just sort of...stewing on this. ]
So. Why can't it be? Why can't something happen in one of those loops to break you and Takashi out of it? Why does it have to be an endless cycle like that where you're the only person who knows what's going on?
[ this week has actually been a pretty bad week for you, hasn't it jonas..
they're frowning just a little when they see it a little red, carefully rubbing a thumb over it before they just hold his hand. glancing at the barrier only briefly, they want to try and steer him away from hitting the barrier again but they don't move any further. ]
Because it hasn't happened. If... the new cycle were to start differently, if my own key were to complete, then... maybe, yes I could potentially break out but.. the key requires information. It needs its conditions to be fulfilled before I can break out of my own loops. It's a parasite, after all.
[and they do speak like they have an idea of how to break out, it's just a matter of not being able to complete the conditions to do so. because that just may or may not exist for them.]
it's fine, he doesn't seem like he's going to try to beat the shit out of it again. but this was pretty much the same reaction when he found out from alex, too. the desperate, clawing notion to get away because the way he feels about it is too overwhelming to deal with at the moment. but it's...not happening. he doesn't pull away from the handholding, but he's still less than satisfied with the answer.
why the fuck are these people so pragmatic about what is, essentially, sacrificing themselves over and over again in a void to save other people? he has half a mind to say "fuck the key" except he knows the key is what saved setsu's life, so. it's like even more complicated. he doesn't like the idea that there may be conditions but that they have to try to find them, that they can go through millions of loops never finding them, and he dislikes the idea that they've resigned themselves to this even less. setsu says they wish it were different, but he knows they're similar to alex.
they do these things because they believe it's what's right to keep people safe and do what has to be done.
and he kind of hates it more and more every day. ]
It's always about "ifs." And "ifs" are the kind of things that aren't always possibilities.
[ which, maybe he would elaborate on what that means, but it's reverse memory time up to 3:15:57 even if he doesn't entirely remember alex calling him. ]
[ what awaits them could never be a satisfying answer. there's no promise that they can escape from it. despite the admittance to looking forward to the future, to enjoying making good memories, to be able to make more connections... it'll hurt them when they go back. but they can't say that. it'll make things worse. they can only say they wish they could do more and leave it at that.
and yet another thing starts up as they almost ask him to elaborate on what he means. and as it happens, they are reminded how it's always complicated seeing someone else's memories.
with others, it's been... more of an insight. of what they're going through, of their life before, of the struggles and burden they've been carrying on them. but with Jonas, with Alex, they always feel so incredibly... helpless. it should be fine. after all, Alex has assured them personally that she has fixed it. that everyone is okay.
so why do these memories continue to fill them with dread? with a pain they are unsure how to deal with. and it's probably because in turn they've come to care so much over them that there's a chilling fear for when they'll lose them. they can't do anything to fix something that's already happened. and... maybe, they feel the same way regarding Setsu's memories. they hold onto his hand a bit firmer as the memory plays, their other hand coming to brace their own head a little.
it's a bit dizzying. but they look up at him, searching, and they want to ask-- yet they look uncertain, as if questioning they're even allowed to but ]
..Where did you go? [ at the end there it was all red, a mention of his mother, then a flicker of.. scenes, happening too fast for them to get a good look at. and then it was just.. darkness. ]
[ again, it's always the people who deserve to live that end up getting stuck in these situations. he doesn't quite know what they're thinking as they observe this memory, and he allows them to hold his hand even if he gives them a short look of concern when the other comes up to their own head.
the whole thing had been disorienting back them. he can only imagine what it looked like from the outside, too. ]
...that time? It was like I fell back into a memory of a time a while before that night. Alex thinks maybe I actually went back in time to that actual time. And maybe I did? It wasn't...bad. It was just a moment in time when I was at home with my dad. Before my mom got sick and everything.
at the look of concern they drop their other hand that was touching their own head, nodding a little as if to reassure they're fine. it was disorientating for a bit but it's okay now. ]
At least it wasn't bad, but to suddenly be thrown into a loop far back... [ that's surprising...? also, that meant that Alex was left alone... oh no. they're quiet for a moment more before they carefully voice something ]
...Is it alright if I ask about them? Your parents.
It was unexpected, mostly. [ lmao yeah alex sure was left alone, and it's a realization jonas himself has had. if he hadn't tried...would he have been able to stay with her? it's a thought that's going to haunt him for the rest of his life, now.
but the question still surprises him a little. ]
...oh. I mean yeah, it's...[ complicated, in a lot of ways, but. ] What do you want to know?
Anything you're willing to share with me. I haven't heard of them until now.
[ they meet his gaze, gingerly squeezing his hand. though, they seem to be contemplating something before they come to decide on something. ]
...Though, I haven't really mentioned my own. [ so it's only fair they open up to him as well. maybe if he's aware of where they come from... ] My parents were in the military, like I am now, but they died a long time ago. I actually have foster parents.
Never really a reason to bring them up before now, I guess. [ it's fine. they can hold hands, and he immediately gets derailed from what he's supposed to be talking about when setsu shares that with him. ]
Do you remember them? Your real parents. What are your foster parents like?
[ "how long has it really been since you've seen them...?" ]
[ that's fair, it's fine though they don't seem to mind his questions. ]
It was so long ago with my parents but I do remember them a little. [ a bit of a concentrated look. ] I know they were hardworking, as well as very dedicated and loyal to the military.
[ and Setsu joined to follow in their steps, most likely. ]
I spent most of my time in the military program but, I do remember my foster parents being kind. They took me in and looked after me after I lost my parents. [ and Setsu grew up to be this kind of person. whether that's dependent on military discipline or not, they had them. ] ...They were good people.
Suddenly easier to see where your work ethic comes from. [ a gentle tease. ] I think...it's nice to be dedicated to something.
Was the military program more like boarding school where they kept you from your foster family? Did you know your foster parents before they became your foster parents?
[ these are all just little questions to latch onto and to learn more. ]
If not them, likely the military discipline. [ a small chuckle. ] Mmm.. it is.
And, yeah. A lot of the military program was hands on with teaching and training so you could say it was like that. And from what I can remember... I do not think I knew them before they became my foster parents.
[ they answer in turn, sharing what they can remember. ]
Hey, don't look at me. I've never been disciplined in my life. [ this is. very much a joke, and a slightly self-deprecating one. ] But sure, if you want to get technical.
...kind of sounds like it was both a good and a bad thing. You always were around the same people and you were able to learn multiple skills, but the downside was being around the same people and not really getting to do much else. Right?
No offense, Setsu, but I would never have been able to join the military. [ nudging back. but it's not even an insult, it's just a fact. nevertheless...he seems to realize it's his turn now. ]
My parents weren't like that. They both had jobs for a while...nothing exciting, just stuff to keep food on the table and a roof over us. I was an only child, so I guess my relationship with them is different than a kid with a sibling would be. Over the years, my dad's gotten a little more strict about stuff, but overall he's...fine. I mean I love him because he's my dad, but things aren't the same as they used to be and we both know it.
And my mom...was probably softer than both of us. She kind of always just wanted the best for me even if that was an impossible thing to reach. That never stopped her from trying to give me everything she could.
None taken, don't worry. [ military isn't for everyone. they totally get it. which is said with some amusement because they know he doesn't intend it to be an insult. ]
More strictness often comes with protectiveness. [ when something hard happens, it has a way of affecting people that way. possibly parents more so. but both Jonas and his father obviously know that already. ]
..She sounds like an incredibly loving person. [ the want and desire to give their child whatever they wanted, even if it wasn't possible. they look at him, head tilted and ] You have some soft moments as well, did you know?
It's both protectiveness and a control thing, I think, after things happened. [ he at least has that much self-awareness that his own choices meant his father's keeping closer track of him, especially without his mother around. ]
...she was, yeah. Kind of made it even worse when she was actually upset about stuff, you know? Like you want to fix it right away even if you're not sure how. [ but he just kind of goes pff at that. ] I don't know if I'd call myself soft, Setsu. Or having soft moments. Whichever.
Makes sense. [ the control part. there's an unshakeable fear when you lose control of something in your life. especially when it's drawn in from a loss. ]
...I can understand. You'd want to make it right completely. [ no matter what. they blink at that, head tilted cause...? ] You do though. Depending on the situation, it happens sometimes. There's a softness in your eyes.
But yeah that's it. Wanting to make it right completely, and realizing how horrible it is when you can't. [ idly said. but he considers their words for a little bit. ] ...I'm not sure what to think of that. I guess maybe it's a good thing?
That doesn't take away that it's been hard on you though. [ even if you can't blame him. no matter how scared someone gets, they shouldn't try to control everything, they think. ]
...But you tried. I think that alone was enough, even if you'll always want to do more. [ if she's as kind, as soft and warm as she sounds- they think him trying is probably the most she could ask for. their thoughts are a bit distant, thinking of their own parents before they shake the thought away. ] It's a good thing. Yes.
[ this is about the point that jonas realizes he maybe should be honest. ]
...the last time I did something that upset her, I didn't ever really figure out a way to make it better with her. And now she's gone, so...can't do anything even if I knew how to make it better. My dad kind of tightened the leash after she died because he couldn't really trust me anymore, which...I get. I'm not really mad at that.
[ and he shrugs. ]
...I guess being a good thing is as good as it's gonna get.
[ nooooo... they look at him with deep concern, frowning. ]
...So that's why.. [ something like that... me trying to remember if handholding is in this thread but yeah it is okay, they just gingerly squeeze his hand. they can only imagine what this does to him. how much pain torments him because of that alone. damage so irreversible as that.
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there's a wide look from them, they make their way closer to them as soon as he tries to beat the barrier. there's immediate worry-- ]
Jonas, don't-- you'll hurt yourself!
[ they don't know how to answer that. another voice comes to mind, "I hate it. I hope—I hope that you know that." there's a brief pause, stopping themselves from reaching out. they know, they know-- after everything they've gone through, and after coming here, they wish... ]
Jonas, I...
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[ ah. well. that might answer some of the frustration there, actually, because he's so, so fucking sick of hearing that people he cares about are stuck in endless cycles that he can't do anything to break them out of.
so the barrier gets one more good punch, but he does at least stop even if he's very much vibrating with anger for a bit. it's not at setsu. it could never really be at setsu? but it's also kind of at the choice that put them in that situation.
it's complicated, to say the least. ]
...this isn't fair.
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quietly, they step closer until they're by his side, holding a hand out. they don't touch him, not yet, just showing before they lightly touch his arm and look at his hand. he likely didn't hit it too much, but they're making sure he didn't bruise himself or anything. ]
...I know. I'm sorry, Jonas. [ and they mean that. because ] I do wish it could be different. [ it's a quiet admittance. ]
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he doesn't exactly offer his hand like he normally would, but he doesn't reject the touch either. he didn't really hit the barrier too hard given it's a pig barrier, so maybe the hand is a little red but it'll go back to normal soon enough.
instead, he's just sort of...stewing on this. ]
So. Why can't it be? Why can't something happen in one of those loops to break you and Takashi out of it? Why does it have to be an endless cycle like that where you're the only person who knows what's going on?
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they're frowning just a little when they see it a little red, carefully rubbing a thumb over it before they just hold his hand. glancing at the barrier only briefly, they want to try and steer him away from hitting the barrier again but they don't move any further. ]
Because it hasn't happened. If... the new cycle were to start differently, if my own key were to complete, then... maybe, yes I could potentially break out but.. the key requires information. It needs its conditions to be fulfilled before I can break out of my own loops. It's a parasite, after all.
[and they do speak like they have an idea of how to break out, it's just a matter of not being able to complete the conditions to do so. because that just may or may not exist for them.]
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it's fine, he doesn't seem like he's going to try to beat the shit out of it again. but this was pretty much the same reaction when he found out from alex, too. the desperate, clawing notion to get away because the way he feels about it is too overwhelming to deal with at the moment. but it's...not happening. he doesn't pull away from the handholding, but he's still less than satisfied with the answer.
why the fuck are these people so pragmatic about what is, essentially, sacrificing themselves over and over again in a void to save other people? he has half a mind to say "fuck the key" except he knows the key is what saved setsu's life, so. it's like even more complicated. he doesn't like the idea that there may be conditions but that they have to try to find them, that they can go through millions of loops never finding them, and he dislikes the idea that they've resigned themselves to this even less. setsu says they wish it were different, but he knows they're similar to alex.
they do these things because they believe it's what's right to keep people safe and do what has to be done.
and he kind of hates it more and more every day. ]
It's always about "ifs." And "ifs" are the kind of things that aren't always possibilities.
[ which, maybe he would elaborate on what that means, but it's reverse memory time up to 3:15:57 even if he doesn't entirely remember alex calling him. ]
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and yet another thing starts up as they almost ask him to elaborate on what he means. and as it happens, they are reminded how it's always complicated seeing someone else's memories.
with others, it's been... more of an insight. of what they're going through, of their life before, of the struggles and burden they've been carrying on them. but with Jonas, with Alex, they always feel so incredibly... helpless. it should be fine. after all, Alex has assured them personally that she has fixed it. that everyone is okay.
so why do these memories continue to fill them with dread? with a pain they are unsure how to deal with. and it's probably because in turn they've come to care so much over them that there's a chilling fear for when they'll lose them. they can't do anything to fix something that's already happened. and... maybe, they feel the same way regarding Setsu's memories. they hold onto his hand a bit firmer as the memory plays, their other hand coming to brace their own head a little.
it's a bit dizzying. but they look up at him, searching, and they want to ask-- yet they look uncertain, as if questioning they're even allowed to but ]
..Where did you go? [ at the end there it was all red, a mention of his mother, then a flicker of.. scenes, happening too fast for them to get a good look at. and then it was just.. darkness. ]
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the whole thing had been disorienting back them. he can only imagine what it looked like from the outside, too. ]
...that time? It was like I fell back into a memory of a time a while before that night. Alex thinks maybe I actually went back in time to that actual time. And maybe I did? It wasn't...bad. It was just a moment in time when I was at home with my dad. Before my mom got sick and everything.
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at the look of concern they drop their other hand that was touching their own head, nodding a little as if to reassure they're fine. it was disorientating for a bit but it's okay now. ]
At least it wasn't bad, but to suddenly be thrown into a loop far back... [ that's surprising...? also, that meant that Alex was left alone... oh no. they're quiet for a moment more before they carefully voice something ]
...Is it alright if I ask about them? Your parents.
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but the question still surprises him a little. ]
...oh. I mean yeah, it's...[ complicated, in a lot of ways, but. ] What do you want to know?
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[ they meet his gaze, gingerly squeezing his hand. though, they seem to be contemplating something before they come to decide on something. ]
...Though, I haven't really mentioned my own. [ so it's only fair they open up to him as well. maybe if he's aware of where they come from... ] My parents were in the military, like I am now, but they died a long time ago. I actually have foster parents.
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Do you remember them? Your real parents. What are your foster parents like?
[ "how long has it really been since you've seen them...?" ]
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It was so long ago with my parents but I do remember them a little. [ a bit of a concentrated look. ] I know they were hardworking, as well as very dedicated and loyal to the military.
[ and Setsu joined to follow in their steps, most likely. ]
I spent most of my time in the military program but, I do remember my foster parents being kind. They took me in and looked after me after I lost my parents. [ and Setsu grew up to be this kind of person. whether that's dependent on military discipline or not, they had them. ] ...They were good people.
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Was the military program more like boarding school where they kept you from your foster family? Did you know your foster parents before they became your foster parents?
[ these are all just little questions to latch onto and to learn more. ]
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And, yeah. A lot of the military program was hands on with teaching and training so you could say it was like that. And from what I can remember... I do not think I knew them before they became my foster parents.
[ they answer in turn, sharing what they can remember. ]
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...kind of sounds like it was both a good and a bad thing. You always were around the same people and you were able to learn multiple skills, but the downside was being around the same people and not really getting to do much else. Right?
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That about sums it up, yes.
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My parents weren't like that. They both had jobs for a while...nothing exciting, just stuff to keep food on the table and a roof over us. I was an only child, so I guess my relationship with them is different than a kid with a sibling would be. Over the years, my dad's gotten a little more strict about stuff, but overall he's...fine. I mean I love him because he's my dad, but things aren't the same as they used to be and we both know it.
And my mom...was probably softer than both of us. She kind of always just wanted the best for me even if that was an impossible thing to reach. That never stopped her from trying to give me everything she could.
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More strictness often comes with protectiveness. [ when something hard happens, it has a way of affecting people that way. possibly parents more so. but both Jonas and his father obviously know that already. ]
..She sounds like an incredibly loving person. [ the want and desire to give their child whatever they wanted, even if it wasn't possible. they look at him, head tilted and ] You have some soft moments as well, did you know?
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It's both protectiveness and a control thing, I think, after things happened. [ he at least has that much self-awareness that his own choices meant his father's keeping closer track of him, especially without his mother around. ]
...she was, yeah. Kind of made it even worse when she was actually upset about stuff, you know? Like you want to fix it right away even if you're not sure how. [ but he just kind of goes pff at that. ] I don't know if I'd call myself soft, Setsu. Or having soft moments. Whichever.
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...I can understand. You'd want to make it right completely. [ no matter what. they blink at that, head tilted cause...? ] You do though. Depending on the situation, it happens sometimes. There's a softness in your eyes.
[ it's just an observation? ]
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But yeah that's it. Wanting to make it right completely, and realizing how horrible it is when you can't. [ idly said. but he considers their words for a little bit. ] ...I'm not sure what to think of that. I guess maybe it's a good thing?
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...But you tried. I think that alone was enough, even if you'll always want to do more. [ if she's as kind, as soft and warm as she sounds- they think him trying is probably the most she could ask for. their thoughts are a bit distant, thinking of their own parents before they shake the thought away. ] It's a good thing. Yes.
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...the last time I did something that upset her, I didn't ever really figure out a way to make it better with her. And now she's gone, so...can't do anything even if I knew how to make it better. My dad kind of tightened the leash after she died because he couldn't really trust me anymore, which...I get. I'm not really mad at that.
[ and he shrugs. ]
...I guess being a good thing is as good as it's gonna get.
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...So that's why.. [ something like that... me trying to remember if handholding is in this thread but yeah it is okay, they just gingerly squeeze his hand. they can only imagine what this does to him. how much pain torments him because of that alone. damage so irreversible as that.
... ] I'm sorry, Jonas.
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