[ again, it's always the people who deserve to live that end up getting stuck in these situations. he doesn't quite know what they're thinking as they observe this memory, and he allows them to hold his hand even if he gives them a short look of concern when the other comes up to their own head.
the whole thing had been disorienting back them. he can only imagine what it looked like from the outside, too. ]
...that time? It was like I fell back into a memory of a time a while before that night. Alex thinks maybe I actually went back in time to that actual time. And maybe I did? It wasn't...bad. It was just a moment in time when I was at home with my dad. Before my mom got sick and everything.
at the look of concern they drop their other hand that was touching their own head, nodding a little as if to reassure they're fine. it was disorientating for a bit but it's okay now. ]
At least it wasn't bad, but to suddenly be thrown into a loop far back... [ that's surprising...? also, that meant that Alex was left alone... oh no. they're quiet for a moment more before they carefully voice something ]
...Is it alright if I ask about them? Your parents.
It was unexpected, mostly. [ lmao yeah alex sure was left alone, and it's a realization jonas himself has had. if he hadn't tried...would he have been able to stay with her? it's a thought that's going to haunt him for the rest of his life, now.
but the question still surprises him a little. ]
...oh. I mean yeah, it's...[ complicated, in a lot of ways, but. ] What do you want to know?
Anything you're willing to share with me. I haven't heard of them until now.
[ they meet his gaze, gingerly squeezing his hand. though, they seem to be contemplating something before they come to decide on something. ]
...Though, I haven't really mentioned my own. [ so it's only fair they open up to him as well. maybe if he's aware of where they come from... ] My parents were in the military, like I am now, but they died a long time ago. I actually have foster parents.
Never really a reason to bring them up before now, I guess. [ it's fine. they can hold hands, and he immediately gets derailed from what he's supposed to be talking about when setsu shares that with him. ]
Do you remember them? Your real parents. What are your foster parents like?
[ "how long has it really been since you've seen them...?" ]
[ that's fair, it's fine though they don't seem to mind his questions. ]
It was so long ago with my parents but I do remember them a little. [ a bit of a concentrated look. ] I know they were hardworking, as well as very dedicated and loyal to the military.
[ and Setsu joined to follow in their steps, most likely. ]
I spent most of my time in the military program but, I do remember my foster parents being kind. They took me in and looked after me after I lost my parents. [ and Setsu grew up to be this kind of person. whether that's dependent on military discipline or not, they had them. ] ...They were good people.
Suddenly easier to see where your work ethic comes from. [ a gentle tease. ] I think...it's nice to be dedicated to something.
Was the military program more like boarding school where they kept you from your foster family? Did you know your foster parents before they became your foster parents?
[ these are all just little questions to latch onto and to learn more. ]
If not them, likely the military discipline. [ a small chuckle. ] Mmm.. it is.
And, yeah. A lot of the military program was hands on with teaching and training so you could say it was like that. And from what I can remember... I do not think I knew them before they became my foster parents.
[ they answer in turn, sharing what they can remember. ]
Hey, don't look at me. I've never been disciplined in my life. [ this is. very much a joke, and a slightly self-deprecating one. ] But sure, if you want to get technical.
...kind of sounds like it was both a good and a bad thing. You always were around the same people and you were able to learn multiple skills, but the downside was being around the same people and not really getting to do much else. Right?
No offense, Setsu, but I would never have been able to join the military. [ nudging back. but it's not even an insult, it's just a fact. nevertheless...he seems to realize it's his turn now. ]
My parents weren't like that. They both had jobs for a while...nothing exciting, just stuff to keep food on the table and a roof over us. I was an only child, so I guess my relationship with them is different than a kid with a sibling would be. Over the years, my dad's gotten a little more strict about stuff, but overall he's...fine. I mean I love him because he's my dad, but things aren't the same as they used to be and we both know it.
And my mom...was probably softer than both of us. She kind of always just wanted the best for me even if that was an impossible thing to reach. That never stopped her from trying to give me everything she could.
None taken, don't worry. [ military isn't for everyone. they totally get it. which is said with some amusement because they know he doesn't intend it to be an insult. ]
More strictness often comes with protectiveness. [ when something hard happens, it has a way of affecting people that way. possibly parents more so. but both Jonas and his father obviously know that already. ]
..She sounds like an incredibly loving person. [ the want and desire to give their child whatever they wanted, even if it wasn't possible. they look at him, head tilted and ] You have some soft moments as well, did you know?
It's both protectiveness and a control thing, I think, after things happened. [ he at least has that much self-awareness that his own choices meant his father's keeping closer track of him, especially without his mother around. ]
...she was, yeah. Kind of made it even worse when she was actually upset about stuff, you know? Like you want to fix it right away even if you're not sure how. [ but he just kind of goes pff at that. ] I don't know if I'd call myself soft, Setsu. Or having soft moments. Whichever.
Makes sense. [ the control part. there's an unshakeable fear when you lose control of something in your life. especially when it's drawn in from a loss. ]
...I can understand. You'd want to make it right completely. [ no matter what. they blink at that, head tilted cause...? ] You do though. Depending on the situation, it happens sometimes. There's a softness in your eyes.
But yeah that's it. Wanting to make it right completely, and realizing how horrible it is when you can't. [ idly said. but he considers their words for a little bit. ] ...I'm not sure what to think of that. I guess maybe it's a good thing?
That doesn't take away that it's been hard on you though. [ even if you can't blame him. no matter how scared someone gets, they shouldn't try to control everything, they think. ]
...But you tried. I think that alone was enough, even if you'll always want to do more. [ if she's as kind, as soft and warm as she sounds- they think him trying is probably the most she could ask for. their thoughts are a bit distant, thinking of their own parents before they shake the thought away. ] It's a good thing. Yes.
[ this is about the point that jonas realizes he maybe should be honest. ]
...the last time I did something that upset her, I didn't ever really figure out a way to make it better with her. And now she's gone, so...can't do anything even if I knew how to make it better. My dad kind of tightened the leash after she died because he couldn't really trust me anymore, which...I get. I'm not really mad at that.
[ and he shrugs. ]
...I guess being a good thing is as good as it's gonna get.
[ nooooo... they look at him with deep concern, frowning. ]
...So that's why.. [ something like that... me trying to remember if handholding is in this thread but yeah it is okay, they just gingerly squeeze his hand. they can only imagine what this does to him. how much pain torments him because of that alone. damage so irreversible as that.
...it's okay. Things happen. I can't change any of it no matter how much I want to or thought maybe I could. [ if he just keeps reminding himself that, maybe it'll help ease the feeling of not getting closure. ]
[ a nice tweat. after a very sad bad day for Jonas. from realization that there are two stuck in loop hell and now talking about parents...
hm. they feel guilty for asking. normally they take in any information about people with stride back on the ship, but it's different with those they care about. ]
You may not be able to no but... [ It's different with their own deceased parents, they did not have as much time with them as Jonas had with his own mother. so it feels a bit unfair to say it'll be okay.
mmmm... they'll raise up their arms to gingerly pull him into a hug. they don't know what else to say to ease that pain. all they know is they don't want him to feel alone. ]
[ YEAH HE REALLY HATES EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS WEEK INCLUDING FINDING OUT TWO PEOPLE HE CARES ABOUT ARE STUCK IN LOOP HELL AHHHHH. but it's okay. it's fine.
the hug surprises him a little though. he's not sure what to think, but he does hug back with one arm on instinct. maybe it helps them, too. ]
[ after the events that unfolded with their first own memory, they're still having a bit of a problem in staying completely calm. like their body is a little tensed still, but they do relax a little when he hugs back with an arm.
[ since it's a full hug, they're just hugging him tighter. burying their face a little in him as they nod.
sometimes, it's in the way that he holds himself. like he's all alone. reasons like that, they just want to remind him he isn't. and talking about his parents, it felt needed.]
As long as it's alright. ..It's been a really long day. [ a week, really. ] And, in the end of it all-- I want to be there for you, for anything. I.. hope you know that.
[ hugs are nice. being with people is also nice. jonas has been used to being alone or not having very strong connections. that was true for a good portion of the last couple of years. and then he'd met alex, and a day later he'd met setsu. kazuki. all people he's strongly bonded with now. people he can rely on and trust.
setsu in particular...really was sort of the first friend he'd made on his own in a very long time. the first he felt like he could trust without fear of that trust being broken. it had been a scary process to decide it was okay. but he made the right choice, he thinks. ]
I do. Know that, I mean. I think...I always have. Maybe that's why it was always a little frustrating to see you take on everything you do. I--all of us--want to be there for you, too. We need each other.
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the whole thing had been disorienting back them. he can only imagine what it looked like from the outside, too. ]
...that time? It was like I fell back into a memory of a time a while before that night. Alex thinks maybe I actually went back in time to that actual time. And maybe I did? It wasn't...bad. It was just a moment in time when I was at home with my dad. Before my mom got sick and everything.
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at the look of concern they drop their other hand that was touching their own head, nodding a little as if to reassure they're fine. it was disorientating for a bit but it's okay now. ]
At least it wasn't bad, but to suddenly be thrown into a loop far back... [ that's surprising...? also, that meant that Alex was left alone... oh no. they're quiet for a moment more before they carefully voice something ]
...Is it alright if I ask about them? Your parents.
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but the question still surprises him a little. ]
...oh. I mean yeah, it's...[ complicated, in a lot of ways, but. ] What do you want to know?
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[ they meet his gaze, gingerly squeezing his hand. though, they seem to be contemplating something before they come to decide on something. ]
...Though, I haven't really mentioned my own. [ so it's only fair they open up to him as well. maybe if he's aware of where they come from... ] My parents were in the military, like I am now, but they died a long time ago. I actually have foster parents.
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Do you remember them? Your real parents. What are your foster parents like?
[ "how long has it really been since you've seen them...?" ]
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It was so long ago with my parents but I do remember them a little. [ a bit of a concentrated look. ] I know they were hardworking, as well as very dedicated and loyal to the military.
[ and Setsu joined to follow in their steps, most likely. ]
I spent most of my time in the military program but, I do remember my foster parents being kind. They took me in and looked after me after I lost my parents. [ and Setsu grew up to be this kind of person. whether that's dependent on military discipline or not, they had them. ] ...They were good people.
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Was the military program more like boarding school where they kept you from your foster family? Did you know your foster parents before they became your foster parents?
[ these are all just little questions to latch onto and to learn more. ]
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And, yeah. A lot of the military program was hands on with teaching and training so you could say it was like that. And from what I can remember... I do not think I knew them before they became my foster parents.
[ they answer in turn, sharing what they can remember. ]
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...kind of sounds like it was both a good and a bad thing. You always were around the same people and you were able to learn multiple skills, but the downside was being around the same people and not really getting to do much else. Right?
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That about sums it up, yes.
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My parents weren't like that. They both had jobs for a while...nothing exciting, just stuff to keep food on the table and a roof over us. I was an only child, so I guess my relationship with them is different than a kid with a sibling would be. Over the years, my dad's gotten a little more strict about stuff, but overall he's...fine. I mean I love him because he's my dad, but things aren't the same as they used to be and we both know it.
And my mom...was probably softer than both of us. She kind of always just wanted the best for me even if that was an impossible thing to reach. That never stopped her from trying to give me everything she could.
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More strictness often comes with protectiveness. [ when something hard happens, it has a way of affecting people that way. possibly parents more so. but both Jonas and his father obviously know that already. ]
..She sounds like an incredibly loving person. [ the want and desire to give their child whatever they wanted, even if it wasn't possible. they look at him, head tilted and ] You have some soft moments as well, did you know?
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It's both protectiveness and a control thing, I think, after things happened. [ he at least has that much self-awareness that his own choices meant his father's keeping closer track of him, especially without his mother around. ]
...she was, yeah. Kind of made it even worse when she was actually upset about stuff, you know? Like you want to fix it right away even if you're not sure how. [ but he just kind of goes pff at that. ] I don't know if I'd call myself soft, Setsu. Or having soft moments. Whichever.
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...I can understand. You'd want to make it right completely. [ no matter what. they blink at that, head tilted cause...? ] You do though. Depending on the situation, it happens sometimes. There's a softness in your eyes.
[ it's just an observation? ]
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But yeah that's it. Wanting to make it right completely, and realizing how horrible it is when you can't. [ idly said. but he considers their words for a little bit. ] ...I'm not sure what to think of that. I guess maybe it's a good thing?
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...But you tried. I think that alone was enough, even if you'll always want to do more. [ if she's as kind, as soft and warm as she sounds- they think him trying is probably the most she could ask for. their thoughts are a bit distant, thinking of their own parents before they shake the thought away. ] It's a good thing. Yes.
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...the last time I did something that upset her, I didn't ever really figure out a way to make it better with her. And now she's gone, so...can't do anything even if I knew how to make it better. My dad kind of tightened the leash after she died because he couldn't really trust me anymore, which...I get. I'm not really mad at that.
[ and he shrugs. ]
...I guess being a good thing is as good as it's gonna get.
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...So that's why.. [ something like that... me trying to remember if handholding is in this thread but yeah it is okay, they just gingerly squeeze his hand. they can only imagine what this does to him. how much pain torments him because of that alone. damage so irreversible as that.
... ] I'm sorry, Jonas.
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...it's okay. Things happen. I can't change any of it no matter how much I want to or thought maybe I could. [ if he just keeps reminding himself that, maybe it'll help ease the feeling of not getting closure. ]
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hm. they feel guilty for asking. normally they take in any information about people with stride back on the ship, but it's different with those they care about. ]
You may not be able to no but... [ It's different with their own deceased parents, they did not have as much time with them as Jonas had with his own mother. so it feels a bit unfair to say it'll be okay.
mmmm... they'll raise up their arms to gingerly pull him into a hug. they don't know what else to say to ease that pain. all they know is they don't want him to feel alone. ]
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the hug surprises him a little though. he's not sure what to think, but he does hug back with one arm on instinct. maybe it helps them, too. ]
...what's this for?
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[ after the events that unfolded with their first own memory, they're still having a bit of a problem in staying completely calm. like their body is a little tensed still, but they do relax a little when he hugs back with an arm.
but, because he asked-- ] Is it alright?
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...of course it's alright. You don't need my permission or whatever to do something like this. They can be really nice from the right people.
[ he felt the tension, really, so he doesn't want to leave it alone. ]
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sometimes, it's in the way that he holds himself. like he's all alone. reasons like that, they just want to remind him he isn't. and talking about his parents, it felt needed.]
As long as it's alright. ..It's been a really long day. [ a week, really. ] And, in the end of it all-- I want to be there for you, for anything. I.. hope you know that.
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setsu in particular...really was sort of the first friend he'd made on his own in a very long time. the first he felt like he could trust without fear of that trust being broken. it had been a scary process to decide it was okay. but he made the right choice, he thinks. ]
I do. Know that, I mean. I think...I always have. Maybe that's why it was always a little frustrating to see you take on everything you do. I--all of us--want to be there for you, too. We need each other.
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