as soon as the memory ends, Setsu is already seen looking away-- avoiding looking at him. their arms are crossed, one hand gripping tightly at their own arm. this isn't something they have brought up to Jonas at all. something they've thought of, yes. it's come up... time to time. to something he says, for something in the moment, but every time... every time they've pushed it down. how exactly do approach the idea of telling someone that no matter what happens, you're inevitably stuck forever?
"It'll probably sting... but I hope you still open your heart to the chance. To let yourself feel that warmth while we're all still here. Nothing's meant to last forever - so isn't it okay, to breathe in these moments we do get to have?"
it's words like that.. that hurt, but they wanted to enjoy the moment. enjoy these connections they've forged with their team and the few outside it. trying to get those feelings across. that they want to cherish the memories they got to share and have here. before they inevitably go back to that. they take a small step before they stop, unmoving. unfortunately, they don't say anything. their expression twists as those feelings sink further down. yeah, they kinda need a moment too. ]
[ double unfortunately, they're now stuck in a barrier because it's memory sharing which means neither of them can actually leave until jonas's own memory shows up. it's not instantaneous though.
it leaves jonas with room to watch them, frowning deeply and with concern and the tiniest little flicker of something else. ]
[ well, that means neither of them can escape from this. but it's not as if Setsu really intended to just leave after that. they've never been the kind of person to run away. though, they do look briefly uncertain. ]
...What should I explain? [ which doesn't sound guarded, or defensive, just... quiet. because there's quite a bit that happened there. from takashi's key being ready, to the fact there were two takashi in that particular world, to... Setsu's departure at the end-- there's quite a bit they could try and elaborate on.
even if part of them wonders why they've been trying so hard, when they still think he'll forget about them. that their team will forget. that.. everyone here will forget. (maybe because they do want them to remember.) ]
...did you know? That this is how it would go for your friend. Did you know that you would have to seal yourself up in the loop for them to have a future and you'd be trapped otherwise?
[ he's trying not to sound frustrated, but he's confused and he's a little thrown off-guard for a few reasons. ]
What'll happen with the other Takashi once his key is ready in the loop you're trapping yourself in? Are you just going to continue being sealed up?
...Not at first. It wasn't until I learned fully about the key's conditions, and the fact that in the zero loop there has a Takashi that already existed there. [ it's... complicated. really complicated. ]
...Once their key is ready in the universe I've moved onto, then it'll happen again. I'll open the door with their key and take the other Takashi with me. [ and it'll happen again. and again. ] The thing is, if I don't do this, I'll never have gotten the key that saved my life.
[ and they'll... never have gotten to live their life longer. they'll never be who they are here. ]
...then in a way, you're both stuck forever. Even if it's a "different" Takashi, the two of you will always be looping to fulfill the keys because for every key that's full, there's another Takahi waiting to fulfill another key.
And you can't even change it because it's...basically predetermined. It was something that was already set for you before you ever realized it. Is that it?
Not exactly... [ they shift a little where they stand, trying to choose their words carefully. ] The different Takashi... becomes the Takashi that escapes the loops. Time is... complicated like that.
[ takashi is always set to escape the loops. that much they know for sure, from their last memory. ]
Technically, yes. It was always meant to happen like this. [ ... ] ...If I can complete the conditions for the key myself, I know of a way that I can escape the loops as well, it's just. [ their hand slips into their own jacket pocket, carefully removing the silver key out. ] Since it hasn't been completed, it may not be able to.
...and you're just. Starting the cycle over again. Every time. Going through those motions with a Takashi who doesn't remember doing all of this stuff, because a different Takashi had already escaped. [ he is desperately trying to understand here. ]
I guess it doesn't really matter if all it means is you're never actually going to be able to escape. That's what it boils down to, isn't it?
sorry to say, he literally does not have the emotional capacity to handle this right at this moment. which is to say he sort of just stares at them before he turns to try and beat the shit out of the barrier. again.
he's only done this once before this week and it hadn't worked then either? but maybe it will this time. let him out. let him ouuuuuuut. ]
there's a wide look from them, they make their way closer to them as soon as he tries to beat the barrier. there's immediate worry-- ]
Jonas, don't-- you'll hurt yourself!
[ they don't know how to answer that. another voice comes to mind, "I hate it. I hope—I hope that you know that." there's a brief pause, stopping themselves from reaching out. they know, they know-- after everything they've gone through, and after coming here, they wish... ]
[ ah. well. that might answer some of the frustration there, actually, because he's so, so fucking sick of hearing that people he cares about are stuck in endless cycles that he can't do anything to break them out of.
so the barrier gets one more good punch, but he does at least stop even if he's very much vibrating with anger for a bit. it's not at setsu. it could never really be at setsu? but it's also kind of at the choice that put them in that situation.
[ well. that does explain some things when he says that, actually. they go quiet, staring at him, a flicker of understanding. ...right, because, they're not the only ones in a similar position. no, there's someone else. someone they both know. (alex voice: why are we the same person)
quietly, they step closer until they're by his side, holding a hand out. they don't touch him, not yet, just showing before they lightly touch his arm and look at his hand. he likely didn't hit it too much, but they're making sure he didn't bruise himself or anything. ]
...I know. I'm sorry, Jonas. [ and they mean that. because ] I do wish it could be different. [ it's a quiet admittance. ]
[ they sure are not the only person in a similar position, and jonas is now affected deeply by both of these people and it sucks, actually!
he doesn't exactly offer his hand like he normally would, but he doesn't reject the touch either. he didn't really hit the barrier too hard given it's a pig barrier, so maybe the hand is a little red but it'll go back to normal soon enough.
instead, he's just sort of...stewing on this. ]
So. Why can't it be? Why can't something happen in one of those loops to break you and Takashi out of it? Why does it have to be an endless cycle like that where you're the only person who knows what's going on?
[ this week has actually been a pretty bad week for you, hasn't it jonas..
they're frowning just a little when they see it a little red, carefully rubbing a thumb over it before they just hold his hand. glancing at the barrier only briefly, they want to try and steer him away from hitting the barrier again but they don't move any further. ]
Because it hasn't happened. If... the new cycle were to start differently, if my own key were to complete, then... maybe, yes I could potentially break out but.. the key requires information. It needs its conditions to be fulfilled before I can break out of my own loops. It's a parasite, after all.
[and they do speak like they have an idea of how to break out, it's just a matter of not being able to complete the conditions to do so. because that just may or may not exist for them.]
it's fine, he doesn't seem like he's going to try to beat the shit out of it again. but this was pretty much the same reaction when he found out from alex, too. the desperate, clawing notion to get away because the way he feels about it is too overwhelming to deal with at the moment. but it's...not happening. he doesn't pull away from the handholding, but he's still less than satisfied with the answer.
why the fuck are these people so pragmatic about what is, essentially, sacrificing themselves over and over again in a void to save other people? he has half a mind to say "fuck the key" except he knows the key is what saved setsu's life, so. it's like even more complicated. he doesn't like the idea that there may be conditions but that they have to try to find them, that they can go through millions of loops never finding them, and he dislikes the idea that they've resigned themselves to this even less. setsu says they wish it were different, but he knows they're similar to alex.
they do these things because they believe it's what's right to keep people safe and do what has to be done.
and he kind of hates it more and more every day. ]
It's always about "ifs." And "ifs" are the kind of things that aren't always possibilities.
[ which, maybe he would elaborate on what that means, but it's reverse memory time up to 3:15:57 even if he doesn't entirely remember alex calling him. ]
[ what awaits them could never be a satisfying answer. there's no promise that they can escape from it. despite the admittance to looking forward to the future, to enjoying making good memories, to be able to make more connections... it'll hurt them when they go back. but they can't say that. it'll make things worse. they can only say they wish they could do more and leave it at that.
and yet another thing starts up as they almost ask him to elaborate on what he means. and as it happens, they are reminded how it's always complicated seeing someone else's memories.
with others, it's been... more of an insight. of what they're going through, of their life before, of the struggles and burden they've been carrying on them. but with Jonas, with Alex, they always feel so incredibly... helpless. it should be fine. after all, Alex has assured them personally that she has fixed it. that everyone is okay.
so why do these memories continue to fill them with dread? with a pain they are unsure how to deal with. and it's probably because in turn they've come to care so much over them that there's a chilling fear for when they'll lose them. they can't do anything to fix something that's already happened. and... maybe, they feel the same way regarding Setsu's memories. they hold onto his hand a bit firmer as the memory plays, their other hand coming to brace their own head a little.
it's a bit dizzying. but they look up at him, searching, and they want to ask-- yet they look uncertain, as if questioning they're even allowed to but ]
..Where did you go? [ at the end there it was all red, a mention of his mother, then a flicker of.. scenes, happening too fast for them to get a good look at. and then it was just.. darkness. ]
[ again, it's always the people who deserve to live that end up getting stuck in these situations. he doesn't quite know what they're thinking as they observe this memory, and he allows them to hold his hand even if he gives them a short look of concern when the other comes up to their own head.
the whole thing had been disorienting back them. he can only imagine what it looked like from the outside, too. ]
...that time? It was like I fell back into a memory of a time a while before that night. Alex thinks maybe I actually went back in time to that actual time. And maybe I did? It wasn't...bad. It was just a moment in time when I was at home with my dad. Before my mom got sick and everything.
at the look of concern they drop their other hand that was touching their own head, nodding a little as if to reassure they're fine. it was disorientating for a bit but it's okay now. ]
At least it wasn't bad, but to suddenly be thrown into a loop far back... [ that's surprising...? also, that meant that Alex was left alone... oh no. they're quiet for a moment more before they carefully voice something ]
...Is it alright if I ask about them? Your parents.
It was unexpected, mostly. [ lmao yeah alex sure was left alone, and it's a realization jonas himself has had. if he hadn't tried...would he have been able to stay with her? it's a thought that's going to haunt him for the rest of his life, now.
but the question still surprises him a little. ]
...oh. I mean yeah, it's...[ complicated, in a lot of ways, but. ] What do you want to know?
Anything you're willing to share with me. I haven't heard of them until now.
[ they meet his gaze, gingerly squeezing his hand. though, they seem to be contemplating something before they come to decide on something. ]
...Though, I haven't really mentioned my own. [ so it's only fair they open up to him as well. maybe if he's aware of where they come from... ] My parents were in the military, like I am now, but they died a long time ago. I actually have foster parents.
Never really a reason to bring them up before now, I guess. [ it's fine. they can hold hands, and he immediately gets derailed from what he's supposed to be talking about when setsu shares that with him. ]
Do you remember them? Your real parents. What are your foster parents like?
[ "how long has it really been since you've seen them...?" ]
[ that's fair, it's fine though they don't seem to mind his questions. ]
It was so long ago with my parents but I do remember them a little. [ a bit of a concentrated look. ] I know they were hardworking, as well as very dedicated and loyal to the military.
[ and Setsu joined to follow in their steps, most likely. ]
I spent most of my time in the military program but, I do remember my foster parents being kind. They took me in and looked after me after I lost my parents. [ and Setsu grew up to be this kind of person. whether that's dependent on military discipline or not, they had them. ] ...They were good people.
Suddenly easier to see where your work ethic comes from. [ a gentle tease. ] I think...it's nice to be dedicated to something.
Was the military program more like boarding school where they kept you from your foster family? Did you know your foster parents before they became your foster parents?
[ these are all just little questions to latch onto and to learn more. ]
If not them, likely the military discipline. [ a small chuckle. ] Mmm.. it is.
And, yeah. A lot of the military program was hands on with teaching and training so you could say it was like that. And from what I can remember... I do not think I knew them before they became my foster parents.
[ they answer in turn, sharing what they can remember. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
as soon as the memory ends, Setsu is already seen looking away-- avoiding looking at him. their arms are crossed, one hand gripping tightly at their own arm. this isn't something they have brought up to Jonas at all. something they've thought of, yes. it's come up... time to time. to something he says, for something in the moment, but every time... every time they've pushed it down. how exactly do approach the idea of telling someone that no matter what happens, you're inevitably stuck forever?
"It'll probably sting... but I hope you still open your heart to the chance. To let yourself feel that warmth while we're all still here. Nothing's meant to last forever - so isn't it okay, to breathe in these moments we do get to have?"
it's words like that.. that hurt, but they wanted to enjoy the moment. enjoy these connections they've forged with their team and the few outside it. trying to get those feelings across. that they want to cherish the memories they got to share and have here. before they inevitably go back to that. they take a small step before they stop, unmoving. unfortunately, they don't say anything. their expression twists as those feelings sink further down. yeah, they kinda need a moment too. ]
no subject
it leaves jonas with room to watch them, frowning deeply and with concern and the tiniest little flicker of something else. ]
...Setsu. Explain.
no subject
...What should I explain? [ which doesn't sound guarded, or defensive, just... quiet. because there's quite a bit that happened there. from takashi's key being ready, to the fact there were two takashi in that particular world, to... Setsu's departure at the end-- there's quite a bit they could try and elaborate on.
even if part of them wonders why they've been trying so hard, when they still think he'll forget about them. that their team will forget. that.. everyone here will forget. (maybe because they do want them to remember.) ]
no subject
[ he's trying not to sound frustrated, but he's confused and he's a little thrown off-guard for a few reasons. ]
What'll happen with the other Takashi once his key is ready in the loop you're trapping yourself in? Are you just going to continue being sealed up?
no subject
...Once their key is ready in the universe I've moved onto, then it'll happen again. I'll open the door with their key and take the other Takashi with me. [ and it'll happen again. and again. ] The thing is, if I don't do this, I'll never have gotten the key that saved my life.
[ and they'll... never have gotten to live their life longer. they'll never be who they are here. ]
no subject
And you can't even change it because it's...basically predetermined. It was something that was already set for you before you ever realized it. Is that it?
no subject
[ takashi is always set to escape the loops. that much they know for sure, from their last memory. ]
Technically, yes. It was always meant to happen like this. [ ... ] ...If I can complete the conditions for the key myself, I know of a way that I can escape the loops as well, it's just. [ their hand slips into their own jacket pocket, carefully removing the silver key out. ] Since it hasn't been completed, it may not be able to.
[ they're missing something important. ]
no subject
I guess it doesn't really matter if all it means is you're never actually going to be able to escape. That's what it boils down to, isn't it?
no subject
... [ they'll finally look to him, nodding. ] ..Yeah.
[ that is essentially what it boils down to. :) ]
no subject
sorry to say, he literally does not have the emotional capacity to handle this right at this moment. which is to say he sort of just stares at them before he turns to try and beat the shit out of the barrier. again.
he's only done this once before this week and it hadn't worked then either? but maybe it will this time. let him out. let him ouuuuuuut. ]
Why. Why is that the only answer here?!
no subject
there's a wide look from them, they make their way closer to them as soon as he tries to beat the barrier. there's immediate worry-- ]
Jonas, don't-- you'll hurt yourself!
[ they don't know how to answer that. another voice comes to mind, "I hate it. I hope—I hope that you know that." there's a brief pause, stopping themselves from reaching out. they know, they know-- after everything they've gone through, and after coming here, they wish... ]
Jonas, I...
no subject
[ ah. well. that might answer some of the frustration there, actually, because he's so, so fucking sick of hearing that people he cares about are stuck in endless cycles that he can't do anything to break them out of.
so the barrier gets one more good punch, but he does at least stop even if he's very much vibrating with anger for a bit. it's not at setsu. it could never really be at setsu? but it's also kind of at the choice that put them in that situation.
it's complicated, to say the least. ]
...this isn't fair.
no subject
quietly, they step closer until they're by his side, holding a hand out. they don't touch him, not yet, just showing before they lightly touch his arm and look at his hand. he likely didn't hit it too much, but they're making sure he didn't bruise himself or anything. ]
...I know. I'm sorry, Jonas. [ and they mean that. because ] I do wish it could be different. [ it's a quiet admittance. ]
no subject
he doesn't exactly offer his hand like he normally would, but he doesn't reject the touch either. he didn't really hit the barrier too hard given it's a pig barrier, so maybe the hand is a little red but it'll go back to normal soon enough.
instead, he's just sort of...stewing on this. ]
So. Why can't it be? Why can't something happen in one of those loops to break you and Takashi out of it? Why does it have to be an endless cycle like that where you're the only person who knows what's going on?
no subject
they're frowning just a little when they see it a little red, carefully rubbing a thumb over it before they just hold his hand. glancing at the barrier only briefly, they want to try and steer him away from hitting the barrier again but they don't move any further. ]
Because it hasn't happened. If... the new cycle were to start differently, if my own key were to complete, then... maybe, yes I could potentially break out but.. the key requires information. It needs its conditions to be fulfilled before I can break out of my own loops. It's a parasite, after all.
[and they do speak like they have an idea of how to break out, it's just a matter of not being able to complete the conditions to do so. because that just may or may not exist for them.]
no subject
it's fine, he doesn't seem like he's going to try to beat the shit out of it again. but this was pretty much the same reaction when he found out from alex, too. the desperate, clawing notion to get away because the way he feels about it is too overwhelming to deal with at the moment. but it's...not happening. he doesn't pull away from the handholding, but he's still less than satisfied with the answer.
why the fuck are these people so pragmatic about what is, essentially, sacrificing themselves over and over again in a void to save other people? he has half a mind to say "fuck the key" except he knows the key is what saved setsu's life, so. it's like even more complicated. he doesn't like the idea that there may be conditions but that they have to try to find them, that they can go through millions of loops never finding them, and he dislikes the idea that they've resigned themselves to this even less. setsu says they wish it were different, but he knows they're similar to alex.
they do these things because they believe it's what's right to keep people safe and do what has to be done.
and he kind of hates it more and more every day. ]
It's always about "ifs." And "ifs" are the kind of things that aren't always possibilities.
[ which, maybe he would elaborate on what that means, but it's reverse memory time up to 3:15:57 even if he doesn't entirely remember alex calling him. ]
no subject
and yet another thing starts up as they almost ask him to elaborate on what he means. and as it happens, they are reminded how it's always complicated seeing someone else's memories.
with others, it's been... more of an insight. of what they're going through, of their life before, of the struggles and burden they've been carrying on them. but with Jonas, with Alex, they always feel so incredibly... helpless. it should be fine. after all, Alex has assured them personally that she has fixed it. that everyone is okay.
so why do these memories continue to fill them with dread? with a pain they are unsure how to deal with. and it's probably because in turn they've come to care so much over them that there's a chilling fear for when they'll lose them. they can't do anything to fix something that's already happened. and... maybe, they feel the same way regarding Setsu's memories. they hold onto his hand a bit firmer as the memory plays, their other hand coming to brace their own head a little.
it's a bit dizzying. but they look up at him, searching, and they want to ask-- yet they look uncertain, as if questioning they're even allowed to but ]
..Where did you go? [ at the end there it was all red, a mention of his mother, then a flicker of.. scenes, happening too fast for them to get a good look at. and then it was just.. darkness. ]
no subject
the whole thing had been disorienting back them. he can only imagine what it looked like from the outside, too. ]
...that time? It was like I fell back into a memory of a time a while before that night. Alex thinks maybe I actually went back in time to that actual time. And maybe I did? It wasn't...bad. It was just a moment in time when I was at home with my dad. Before my mom got sick and everything.
no subject
at the look of concern they drop their other hand that was touching their own head, nodding a little as if to reassure they're fine. it was disorientating for a bit but it's okay now. ]
At least it wasn't bad, but to suddenly be thrown into a loop far back... [ that's surprising...? also, that meant that Alex was left alone... oh no. they're quiet for a moment more before they carefully voice something ]
...Is it alright if I ask about them? Your parents.
no subject
but the question still surprises him a little. ]
...oh. I mean yeah, it's...[ complicated, in a lot of ways, but. ] What do you want to know?
no subject
[ they meet his gaze, gingerly squeezing his hand. though, they seem to be contemplating something before they come to decide on something. ]
...Though, I haven't really mentioned my own. [ so it's only fair they open up to him as well. maybe if he's aware of where they come from... ] My parents were in the military, like I am now, but they died a long time ago. I actually have foster parents.
no subject
Do you remember them? Your real parents. What are your foster parents like?
[ "how long has it really been since you've seen them...?" ]
no subject
It was so long ago with my parents but I do remember them a little. [ a bit of a concentrated look. ] I know they were hardworking, as well as very dedicated and loyal to the military.
[ and Setsu joined to follow in their steps, most likely. ]
I spent most of my time in the military program but, I do remember my foster parents being kind. They took me in and looked after me after I lost my parents. [ and Setsu grew up to be this kind of person. whether that's dependent on military discipline or not, they had them. ] ...They were good people.
no subject
Was the military program more like boarding school where they kept you from your foster family? Did you know your foster parents before they became your foster parents?
[ these are all just little questions to latch onto and to learn more. ]
no subject
And, yeah. A lot of the military program was hands on with teaching and training so you could say it was like that. And from what I can remember... I do not think I knew them before they became my foster parents.
[ they answer in turn, sharing what they can remember. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)